Sometimes you wish you could write to the world and have its response contain all the little moments you missed while living in yours, tell you stories you could never dream, show you perspectives you’ve never seen. You’d express your emotions, and it would tell where they came from. The perfect pen pal.
You travel and meet many faces. Dive into the depths of souls while they reach out to you in conversation about their lives, in awe of yours. They see you as something greater, and you want to tell them, I’m not. I’m just as confused at times, I feel like I lose my lines before they turn into voice, sometimes I feel like I have no freedom of choice. But you don’t. You tell the sacrifice it takes to make moments like this happen, and leave it at that. They rise in spirits by difference in normality you provide just by having a conversation, and you could not take that away from them.
You realize how self absorbed you truly are, how all the actions of the day revolve around what’s important, you. Sure charity work gives you a joy in helping others. But deep down, it simply makes you feel better about yourself.
Sometimes Tom will call people who help us out a “godsend”. I don’t like that term, it makes me fill with guilt because even at our worst moments, there are others who are more desperate, exhausted, drained, fatigued with all the ways life could go bad to where death is the only escape. And here I am getting a car ride around a portage, or a free meal, or food. Not that an honest appreciation for these moments does not exist, it’s just that…there is more than me.
It’s hard to meet people you wish you could spend more time with. The type of people who excite the very pulse of your heart with their enthusiasm about life and the joy of learning. You ask, “Why don’t you live near me?” and you realize that you probably wouldn’t know them if they did. You have to be out of “your world” to appreciate the beauty in the rest.
Regrets are irrelevant in this time of my life. They have 0 meaning. No negative emotion builds about anything that has happened in the past because you are in the moment. It’s nice to have that freedom, that lightness of thought.
When people ask “what do you do for a living?” I want to respond, “This.” I want to be part-time in school, work 4 months a year and travel the rest. That way retirement will never be a dream, it won’t even exist in my vocabulary. But I don’t, because their responses are hardly encouraging most of the time and my only retaliation is…”I’m doing it now.”
It’s nice to live a life where you do nothing but observe for awhile and then take your observations and implement them into bettering “your life” when you return back to it. Lose some materialistic items, find joy in smaller things, grab that silver lining and lasso your friends with it when they complain about what you now consider unimportant worries.
I am me, and my thoughts are mine.